


Someone Who Understands

by Zoe13



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Insomnia, Loneliness, M/M, Self Harm, mashton bond over mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-05-07
Packaged: 2018-05-10 02:09:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5564980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton is happy. He's got a great band, they just wrapped up an awesome tour, and he's spending time with his amazing and beautiful girlfriend. </p><p>But maybe his band isn't doing all that great. Maybe there's a secret that Michael is struggling to keep that is trying to push itself out into the light. And maybe, just maybe, what Michael needs is someone who understands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It's the first time since the band really took off that they're in two different houses for the large chunk of their break. They're used to piling in one, staying up late and crashing in each other's rooms, but now it's Luke & Michael and Ashton & Calum, and, while Ashton understands what they're doing, he misses the other two. 

Despite their claims of platonic friendship, Michael and Luke have always gravitated toward each other. It's part of why Ashton and Calum are so close- when Michael and Luke go gallivanting off to have 'bro time,' Ashton and Calum are left together. Ashton loves Calum, he really does, but sometimes his puppy-like energy and loudness gets to be too much. 

After the third night of Calum causing a loud accident downstairs at an ungodly hour- tripped into the coffee table, broke a glass, fell down the stairs- Ashton begs Luke into swapping for one night. 

It's clear that Luke doesn't want to, but he makes the sacrifice for Ashton. Luke sleeps like the dead and won't wake up when Calum is loud, and Michael off tour is quiet. 

Too quiet, probably. Ashton worries about him a lot. He sees things that the others don't- the way Michael's smile drops as soon as he thinks no one will notice, the way he constantly tries to sleep wherever he is whenever possible but never can, his 'joking' comments about his body, personality, or brain. Michael almost left the tour and for some reason only Ashton seems to remember. Only Ashton remembers that he saw a therapist, because he refused to see him more than once. It's not that other people are ignoring the problem, it's because Michael is fucking good at lying. And that scares Ashton because he remembers a time when he was the same way, a time that was in no way good.

 

 

 

Michael hugs Luke hard before the younger boy leaves, and Ashton notices the tightly curled arms and the face pressed into Luke's shoulder. Luke boops him on the nose which startles a giggle out of him, but Michael falls silent as soon as he's gone. 

"Sorry," Ashton says quietly. 

Michael shrugs. "It's just one night, and you're one of my best friends too. Let's have some fun."  

Ashton isn't sure what 'fun' entitles, but he agrees and then goes to dump his bag and pillow in Luke's room. When he comes out, Michael is curled up on the couch watching _Shingeki No Kyojin_ on the tv. 

"So what do you and Luke usually do?" Ashton asks, sitting by him and pulling the nearest blanket over them both. He makes sure to tuck it around Michael so it won't slide off.

Michael just lets him. Normally he would grumble about 'mommy Ashton' and Ash would give a snarky reply and do it anyway, but today he seems distant. He checks his phone and sighs when there's nothing. 

"This, mostly," he says. "I pick something to watch and we sit here. Luke uses his phone generally." There's a hint of a smile and Ashton grasps at it.

"You enjoy it that way?"

"Yeah. You know me, I love a good cuddle." 

Ashton smirks. "Well, Mr. Cuddles, prepare to be squished."

Michael lets out an undignified squawk as Ashton tackles him sideways and lays on top of him. 

"Ash, I'm ticklish!"

"I know." Ashton grins down at him deviously and Michael's eyes widen in horror.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"I'll bite you!"

And then he's shrieking with laughter as he pushes Ashton off of him, scrambling to get away from his hands. Ashton tumbles to the floor a little hard, but he doesn't mind. He's missed loud and happy Michael.

"That wasn't nice," Michael pouts, but he's obviously joking. Ashton rolls his eyes and settles back onto the couch. 

They fall into a companionable silence, which is what Ashton suspects that Michael and Luke do for the most part. He watches Michael's face, however, and sees the smile slowly slip into a dangerously apathetic expression. It's not long before he begins to feel as if he's sitting next to a shell of Michael, a hollowed out version. 

"How have you been?" He asks softly. Michael gives him a sideways glance and shifts a bit. 

"Fine. You?"

"Just fine?" 

"Yeah? Is that bad?" Michael turns to look at him.

"You've just seemed off lately, is all," Ashton says. 

"I'm fine." Michael smiles so genuinely that Ashton almost believes him. His eye contact is unwavering and for a second, Ashton doubts himself. Maybe Michael is just worn out from the tour and a bit of insomnia from excitement. A little rest will have him back to normal.

But not five minutes later he's in the presence of the shell again, and his suspicions are only confirmed. 

 

 

 

Its 12:30 but touring has fucked up Ashton's mental clock, and he can't tell if he's absolutely exhausted or not tired at all. Michael looks like he hasn't slept in years, and Ashton kept expecting him to doze off, but so far his eyes haven't even closed. They're always droopy now, and the bags under his eyes are dark. 

The show ends and Michael turns the tv off, leaving them in the dark. He's slowly shifted so that he's curled into Ashton's side, but his skin is ice cold despite the layers and Ashton's body heat. 

Its silent until Michael's voice breaks the quiet.

"Ash?" His voice cracks, and Ashton suddenly realizes that the shaking he's felt is Michael crying. His heart breaks for the younger boy. He feels so small curled underneath his arm. 

"Yes, Mikey?" 

"When you- how did you get better?"

"Better from what?" Ashton asks, though he thinks he knows.  

"When you were depressed and you- and you-"

"When I used to self harm?" Ashton supplies. Michael flinches. 

"Yeah."

"It's- " Ashton sighs, searching for words. "It's hard to say just how. Our situation with money got better, which balanced out the stress of the band, I got three best friends that convinced me that they cared about me no matter what, and I realized that part of being in a band and being an older brother is being a good role model. That did add some stress, but it also helped me realize just how bad the self harm was for me. I had to do so much hiding, and it was dangerous physically, and I just got tired of lying. So I decided that I had to get better."

"Wasn't it- wasn't it really hard?" Michael asks in a small voice. 

"Yeah." Ashton's lost in memories, memories of his family and band mates trying to help him. "After leaving my family to go on tour, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. But you remember."

"I remember." It's so quiet, and there's a tinge of guilt that makes Ashton nervous. 

"Why are you asking?" Ashton looks down at him, eyes adjusted enough to make out his facial expression. 

"Just curious."

And god, Ashton doesn't want to push. But he has to, dammit, he  _has_ to. If he's correct in his suspicions, Michael needs help, badly. And he knows him, he'll never ask for it.

"I think there's more to it than that," Ashton says softly. "What aren't you telling me?"

Michael's crying again and suddenly Ashton wonders if he can do this. Is he qualified to be the one to talk to Michael?

But then he realizes that yes, he is. He can understand the problem, but he's conquered it. Who would be more qualified? And why did he go through all that pain if not to turn and help someone else through the same thing? Qualifications be damned- what Michael needs is a friend who understands, and Ashton is going to be that. 

"Michael?"

"Nobody knows me."

The crying stops abruptly and Michael's voice is toneless, as if he's hardened himself. Ashton knows that that's a bad sign. Apathy was bad in him, but in someone like Michael who feels things so much more deeply than everyone else, it's like becoming the opposite of what he is. 

"That's not entirely true. I think you've just hidden a small part of you."

"It's not small. It's the real me."

Ashtons heart breaks a little more. He remembers that time, when he thought that the depression had consumed him and become his identity, when he felt like the lines on his body defined him. He never wanted anyone to have to feel that way.

"It's not the real you," he says firmly. "You're Michael. You're more than your problems, okay? You're what you love, not who loves you."

Michael let's out a weak snort. "Did you just quote Fall Out Boy at me?" He asks.

"You love it," says Ashton, relieved to hear emotion in Michael's voice. "But they're not wrong. And Pete Wentz wrote those lyrics because he went through a similar situation I did. A similar situation to the one that I believe you're in."  

Michael stiffens. "How-"

"Takes one to know one," Ashton says sadly. "I don't know exactly what is wrong but I know that something is. You know you can trust me, Michael. You know my deepest secrets. It's okay to let someone know yours."

Michael is silent for a moment and Ashton worries that he pushed too hard too fast. 

"I feel like someone else sometimes," Michael says finally. He seems to be searching for words, something that Ashton understands. "I'll be okay, I'll be having fun, and then suddenly I feel dead."

"Like someone ripped your heart out of your body and you can't feel anymore?"

"Yes." Michael sighs. "And- but there's that dull ache that's almost sadness but not quite, and I just feel...depressed. That word doesn't even describe it, but I cant-"

"I understand," Ashton says simply. 

The relief shining in Michael's eyes at those words makes the years of loneliness worth it for Ashton. He knows how much just having someone understand could have helped him, and he wants Michael to have that. 

"Thank you," Michael says. 

"So what exactly is the problem?" Ashton asks him. Michael looks down and wraps his arms around himself, causing Ashton to stop and pull the blankets closer around the two of them. 

He lets out a quick breath and seems to steel himself. "It's...a lot of things. When I had to see that therapist, he diagnosed me with anxiety, depression, and insomnia. That's- it's a lot that I didn't even fully realize was wrong with me until it hit me one day that I never sleep and- and-" 

"And what?" Ashton asks gently. 

"I-" 

Michael's voice catches. He seems to fight it, but nothing comes out,  and suddenly he reaches around Ashton to flick on the lamp. Both wince at the sudden light, and it illuminates the tears and desperation on Michael's face.

"I need help." It's a choked out sob that tears Ashton's heart in two.  

He isn't sure what to say, but he feels his heart sink as Michael's shaking hands fight to roll up his sleeve.

_No, no, no no no-_

But then there it is, and he has to face the cold, hard truth. Michael's wrist and forearms are covered in thin lines, some silvery and some scabbed and angry looking. His own hands shake as he tentatively reaches out, lightly touching Michael's arm. 

"Michael..." His voice cracks. "You should have- no, I mean, you could have told me before. How long...?"

"Two years."

Just how long it's been shouldn't matter- it could have been a day and Ashton would have felt it keenly. But the realization that Michael has struggled alone with this for so long hits him hard. In fact-

"I was still-"

"I know." Michael looks ashamed. "You were struggling and I didn't want to make things worse by telling anyone about this. And- and I didn't want to stop. I felt like such a hypocrite when I tried to encourage you to get better."

"I know you genuinely wanted what was best for me," Ashton reassures him. "It's hard to see yourself the way you see others." 

Michael's biting his lip to keep from crying and Ashton rubs his arm comfortingly. 

"Hey, it's okay to cry."

Michael inhales a shaky sob and then suddenly he's curling into himself, pulling his arm away to bite his hand.

Ashton remembers the position. Curled up to hide from the world, biting his fist so he wouldn't be heard. It's speaks volumes and he reaches forward, pulling Michael's hand away and then wrapping his arms around him. 

"It's nothing to be ashamed of. Don't feel guilty. No one is going to think less of you or see you as weak or crazy."

"How-" Michael chokes on it. 

"Despite differences in our situations, I've been there. I'm still there sometimes. But I'm doing so much better and I know you can too. I know that you can go from 'fine' to 'okay' to 'amazing. I believe in you, okay?"

"I want to get better." It's muffled into Ashton's shoulder but he's so glad to hear it. 

"That's a huge step in the right direction. We'll get you there. Thank you so much for being brave enough to tell me, I'm so glad you did."

Michael sighs and Ashton feels the tension leak out of him. He can tell that even just this has been good for Michael and he hopes that Michael is this willing to get help in the days to come. 

"Thank you," Michael whispers.

"I'm here for you any time," Ashton tells him. "I'm serious. I don't care when it is or where I am- even if we're fighting about something stupid like the track list or whatever, I don't care. You're more important than any of that."

Michael's shaking from crying and Ashton holds him tighter. He hates to see Michael like this, but he knows that this is part of Michael's healing. 

"How-" Michael sits back finally and tries in vain to wipe the tears off of his face. "When did you tell Bryana about it? Like did you tell her up front when you first went out or-"

He trails off and Ashton thinks he knows where this is going. 

"I tried to get to know her a bit, but once I felt like things were serious, I decided it was only fair to let her know."

Michael seems to lose himself in thought for a moment. 

"I'm scared," he admits finally. "I don't really want him to know how fucked up I am."

Okay, so they're not pretending they don't both know Michael is in love with Luke. It's a start, but-

"You're not fucked up," Ashton says firmly. "You're just struggling. Everyone is struggling in some way. Our struggles just happen to involve things like a chemical imbalance. There's nothing wrong with that, okay?"

"O-okay." Michael's staring down at his wrists and Ashton follows his gaze. 

It's a bit more damage than Ashton ever inflicted on himself and time has faded his scars, and he knows that it's ridiculous that Michael has managed to hide his for so long. They're not exactly invisible, but they never really questioned the bracelets or long sleeves.

For a moment Ashton is tempted to blame himself for not recognizing symptoms he once worked so hard to hide in himself, but then he remembers the determination to hide it and how far that can take you.  

"I think you should tell him how you feel."

He would be hesitant to suggest that if he wasn't so damn sure of how Luke felt too, but he's so certain of it he feels as if it's not even a risk.

"You mean about this, or...?"

"Both. I think you're going to need to tell several people including  Luke and Calum about this, and I also think that you should tell Luke how you feel for him."

"I- I'll think about it. It's a lot."

"Hey, it's just advice." Ashton smiles at him reassuringly. "And you can take all the time you want."

 

 

They stay up talking for a while, and when they head to bed, Michael gives Ashton another hug and a quiet but meaningful 'thank you' that Ashton will never forget. They have a long day ahead of them tomorrow- 'they' because Ashton isn't going to let Michael do this alone. He remembers Michael being there for him. It's time for him to return the favor.

"Try to sleep," he says. "I love you."

"I love you too," Michael smiles, and it may be faint, but it's genuine. 

Another step forward on the road to recovery. 


	2. Chapter 2

Ashton's mouth is set in a grim, straight line when he answers the door, and he looks like he didn't sleep a wink. 

"You alright?" Slips out of Luke's mouth. Ashton sighs.

"I had a talk with Michael last night. He needs to talk to you."

He jerks his head to motion Luke into the house and Luke obeys with some trepidation, setting his bag down in the hallway and slipping off his shoes. He's on edge now, and the click of the door closing startles him. He'd ask if it was good or bad but Ashton's grave face has already answered that question. 

"I'll be in the first bedroom," Ash tells him, patting his arm reassuringly and then disappearing up the stairs. Luke huffs out a sigh and ventures into the sitting room. 

Michael's sitting on the couch with some random anime playing quietly. He's not watching, though, he's staring at the wall with eyes glazed over. He's so vacant, and Luke hates seeing him like this, hates the number of times he's looked over at his best friend and felt like he wasn't actually there. 

"Michael?" He asks softly, sitting down near him but not close enough to scare him. Michael snaps back to reality and blinks. 

"Hey," he rasps, voice catching in his throat. He looks like someone broke his nose- his eyes are heavily underlined with dark circles. Luke simply opens his arms and Michael goes right into them, clinging tightly and breathing in deeply.

"Ash said you needed to talk to me?" Luke asks after a moment. 

He feels Michael sigh, his ribcage shuddering against Luke's body. "Yeah, I..."

Luke waits patiently as Michael searches for the words. Interrupting him would only frustrate him further as it distracted him. After a moment it becomes clear, however, that he's not finding them. He looks at Luke as if for help.

"Are you alright?" Luke asks softly. 

Those three words seem to break a dam of some sort and suddenly Michael is crying, tears slipping quickly down his face and his hands flying up to cover them. 

"No," he sobs, "I'm- I'm not-"

Luke's not sure how to respond. The wall that Michael had always kept up so carefully has finally been breached, but now everything seems to be flooding out and Luke isn't used to it at all.

"Hey," he says gently. "Hey, it's okay." He pulls him close again and strokes his colorful hair in the way he knows comforts him, soft touches and soothing sounds. Michael curls his hands into Luke's shirt and hangs on for dear life.

"I'm a mess," he cries, "just a pathetic mess, and I can't keep it together anymore,  _I just can't._ " 

Luke's watched Michael near his breaking point. He'd tried to get through to him early but it was always pointless, and he'd had to wait until this, until Michael physically and mentally and emotionally could not keep up the act, until he couldn't keep covering whatever was wrong on his own. 

"You don't have to, Mikey, you never did."

"I don't want to bring everyone else down, I don't want to bother people more than I already do because I'm not worth the trouble-"

"Michael Clifford!" Luke cuts him off sharply. "You stop talking like that right now. That's just- it's just preposterous. You have  _never_ been a bother and you never will. And I have watched you build people up, I've watched you lift people's spirits and make them laugh every single day of your life, even when you looked like you were ready to drop from exhaustion or everything had gone wrong. You can't bring people down, it's not in your nature."

"I'm just sad all the time," Michael whispers, "sad and tired and numb."

"All the time?" Luke asks weakly. He'd hoped for less than that. 

"Basically."

"Why didn't you say so before?"

"Because I knew you'd sound like you do now," Michael says. "Like it hurts you to hear it."

"It does," Luke admits, "but only because you're very important to me. There are few things I want as much as for you to be happy."

"I'm sorry."

"Hey, there's no need to be. Just tell me what's going on."

Michael pulls away to wipe at his face, but only succeeds in smearing the tears across his skin. "I, uh...I was diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety, and insomnia."

"Back when you saw the therapist?" Luke asks.

"Yeah."

Luke wouldn't be so calm if he hadn't already guessed. He knows how serious these things all are, not from personal experience but from knowing many people that struggle with them. And for Michael- selfless, caring Michael- to be hit with all of those things...it's just not fair. It's not right.

"How bad is it?"

"It's pretty bad," Michael says in a small voice. "I don't know how to handle it anymore."

Luke's heart sinks. Guessing and hearing are two different things and he can't help it. The crack in Michael's voice, the way his hands are shaking and the tear tracks on his face...it's breaking Luke's heart. 

"Have you been suicidal at all?" he asks shakily.

The silence that settles is heavy and suddenly Luke feels like he can't breathe. 

" _Michael!_ "

"Yes!" Michael bursts out. "Yes, I have. I've- I've never had an actual attempt but I...I've come close, before. I'm just tired, Luke, you have to understand. I'm so, so tired."

Tears are welling up in Luke's eyes and he throws his arms around Michael, clinging to him tightly and squeezing his eyes shut, feeling the tears leak down into Michaels shirt. 

"Never again," he says, "never again. Please, I'm begging you. You never have to be alone, you never have to do this by yourself, do you hear me? You're not alone." 

Michael's shaking in Luke's arms and he hears a choked back sob. 

"It always feels like I am, I feel so isolated," Michael says. "I can't help that."

"Just come to me," Luke tells him. "You can always come to me."

Michael nods shakily and Luke feels satisfied that he's listening.

"Is there anything more?" He asks, and Michael tenses before pulling away and drawing in on himself. He refuses to meet Luke's eyes and Luke's heart starts racing. "Michael, what is it?"

"I'n disgusting," he whispers. "It's awful."

"What? No, no you're not, Michael. You're wonderful, you could never be disgusting. What makes you say that?"

Michael reaches for his sleeve and the floor seems to drop out beneath Luke. He doesn't want to see but he can't look away as Michael rolls it up to reveal hundreds of little lines, silvery white scars and some angry red ones. Hearing about the issues is hard enough, seeing them is worse.

"Michael..." His voice cracks and he tentatively reaches out for his arm, the first touch of his fingers drawing a sharp breath from Michael. The other boy doesn't withdraw, however, and Luke gently grasps his wrist with one hand and smooths over the scars with his other. "I'm so sorry." He doesn't realize he's crying again until his voice will barely come out past the lump in his throat. "I'm so sorry I never saw, I'm so sorry-" 

He can't believe he didn't notice. He can't believe that maybe Michael almost killed himself, can't believe that Michael's been cutting himself for god knows how long and what did Luke do? He waited. But there really was no 'right time' to figure out. He was just blinded by how well everything else was going and he didn't see how bad this was. 

"Luke, Luke no, it's not your fault. Don't cry-" Michael looks miserable and mad at himself for making Luke cry, but Luke can't stop. 

"I should've asked, I should've made sure you were alright. I love you, Michael, I love you so much, don't- I want you to love yourself too." He can't find the right words. 

"I can't."

"You can, because there's so much to love, I swear. And you're not disgusting, this- these scars aren't beautiful, I won't say that, but they're part of you and that's important. Don't be ashamed of them. Don't be ashamed of yourself because there is  _nothing_ to be ashamed of and  _everything_ to love. You're an amazing person, Michael, never forget that."

Michael can't speak anymore- he's crying too hard and Luke hates feeling like he's making that happen, but it's good for him, he's sure of that. He needs to hear this now and in an hour and at night and the next day and every day after that, and godammit it if Luke won't take it upon himself to be the person to tell him. 

"You're the best friend I have ever had or could ever ask for. You're there for the big things and the small things, the happy moments and the sad ones. You're ready with a joke to cheer me up or just silent encouragement when I don't feel as if I can laugh. I see you spread laughter everywhere, Michael, and it's amazing. I see you, I see the real smiles and the fake ones, I see pain and selflessness and a big heart. I see you, I promise, you're not invisible."

"I love you," Michael says shakily, "I- more than anything." 

"I love you more than you'll ever know," Luke says to him softly, and Michael catches his eye. His face must reveal everything he's feeling, because Michael pauses for a moment with his eyes wide. 

"I..." He starts. "I'm not good for you."

Luke should ask. He should be slow. He should be careful. But he just doesn't care anymore. Instead, he throws caution to the wind and pulls Michael to him and kisses him. It's not static, it's not fireworks and butterflies in his stomach, it's belonging, a sense of home. It's settled nerves and laying your bones to rest when you're weary, and he has never felt more alive. Despite Michael's protest, he gives in easily, and they fall into sync immediately. It doesn't feel like their first kiss at all, because they know each other too well for that, they work together too well for it to be awkward. 

It's a slow separation, and Luke's brain can't quite catch up. Michael laughs nervously, like he's waiting for Luke to laugh and brush it off. He doesn't, though, he would never. 

"You're more important to me than anything," Luke says, and he's dead serious. "And I want to be there for you, now and always. I'm not resigning to it, I'm asking you to let me."

The smile Michael gives him is the most beautiful thing that Luke has ever seen.

**Author's Note:**

> There will be one more chapter in which Michael has a long chat with Luke.


End file.
